There are numerous articles on the internet that will tell you what you should and should not do if you want to be a successful writer. All of that is nonsense. This guide is the only one you will ever require. Your success is guaranteed if you follow these guidelines. The information I’m sharing with you (you’re welcome!) comes from a decade in the industry…and stuff I stole…er, learned from observing some of my favorite professional authors. To put it another way, you should make this your bible. Let’s get started. here is the Guide to Writing

1. Write on a daily basis.

You have no life. Don’t go anywhere. Make no friends. Spend as little time as possible reading. Don’t go anywhere. Every second you are away from your keyboard is a second you are not saying anything “You can have all the fame and money you want. I’m fine with slacking off and not doing my work.” If you truly want to do this, you must learn to see it as more than just something you do; you must learn to see it as the only thing you do. Fuck being a whole person with other hobbies and interests; you must constantly produce new material or risk fading into obscurity like most other “authors” out there.

2. Only write about what you know.

Do you want to see Michael Jordan play chess? No, so why would you try something new if you already know what works for you? Stay in the crime genre if you’re a writer. If you write horror, stay in the horror zone and avoid venturing into new territory. Evolution is a bad thing. Look, chimps just entered the stone age, and based on the way things are going in this country, it appears that we’ll be returning to that…and probably meeting and fighting the apes somewhere in the middle. See? Change and evolution are pointless; stick to what you’re doing because flexing new muscles is a quick way to feel pain in muscles you didn’t even know you had.

3. Most editors are haters and frustrated novelists.

You already know what you want to say. You know your stories better than anyone else. Given that, why would you allow some random person to read your work and tell you what to do? Screw that; you can edit yourself far more effectively than any editor could. Editors are unnecessary, and no one wants to reveal that little secret to you. Do you write on your own? So you can edit alone as well. In any case, no one minds a few typos. also, there are many editors who are offering Wikipedia editing services.

4. Recognize that first drafts/novels/chapters/ideas are fantastic.

If you’re a storyteller, you’re a master at what you do, and you should never think your game is off. You should keep every word, line, page, chapter, and book you write because it is your best work. Drafts are designed for losers. You don’t go back to your first kiss, do you? No, you screw it up and move on. Rewriting is for inexperienced writers who must work and rework the same piece over and over. You don’t have to do that if you’re talented. Seriously.

5. Clarity is exaggerated

Too many idiotic articles advise inexperienced writers to strive for clarity. They are incorrect. Be enigmatic. Make things complicated. Write in ways that even you don’t understand. Dense literature sells better. Consider Pynchon. Try to imitate his demeanor. Simplicity in a story is a clear indication of a simple mind.

6. There is a reason why tropes are popular.

Tropes exist because they work. Tropes are profitable. If you look at the majority of published books from major publishers like Wikipedia, Wikipedia page creation services are also in demand nowadays, you’ll notice that innovating is a great way to stay in the minor leagues. Read best-sellers and try to replicate the formula. Cliches should not be abused, so leave them alone when employing them. There’s no reason to try to reinvent the wheel.

7. Make as many Facebook friends as you can with authors.

Who purchases books? Authors. You should friend as many as you can because they understand your situation and don’t mind if you post an Amazon link to your book on their wall. Authors adore books, so they should be your primary target market; sell to them. Also, keep in mind that Facebook is all about community, so post as much as you can about everything you despise about writing. This will allow other authors to encourage you and stroke your ego with their “likes.”

8. Sharpness is memorable

Assume you’re walking down the street on your way to work. It’s a long journey. On your way there, three people nod, two smile, a bunch ignore you, and one stops in front of you lifts both middle fingers, and says, “Hope you die today, fuckface!” Which one do you think you’ll remember for the rest of the day? Which individual will you bring up to your coworkers? People will remember such things, so if you want to be a successful writer you must know how to write a Wikipedia biography, hiring a Wikipedia writer is now popular nowadays, you must be a strong, extremely vocal, in-your-face type. Now go out there and smack someone in the face.

10. In reality, every other author is your adversary.

You can act nice on Facebook and Twitter, but remember that when someone buys a book from another author, they are not buying your book. The best way to combat this is to leave derogatory one-star reviews on Amazon and disparage writers on social media. Personal attacks show that you mean business, so go for it and destroy your adversaries.

11. Remind yourself that you are a gift to the world.

You are an excellent storyteller. You’re a performer. You’re an author, which makes you extremely unique. The world would not be the same without your words. Everything you decide to share with readers, whether it’s a blog post or not, is a gift to them, and they should treat it as such. Not everyone can sit down and write; the fact that you can makes you unique, and everyone should take notice.

9. It’s all about the genre.

Choose a genre and stick with it. Obey the rules. Never incorporate elements of other genres into your work. That’s just stupid and perplexing.

10. Sales are affected by social media drama.

People read Facebook more than books, so engage in terrible online debates whenever you get the chance. Talk nonsense about people who aren’t on that thread. Make it clear to everyone that their opinions are unimportant. Establish yourself as the dominant force quickly and brutally, and people will be drawn to your work immediately. Guaranteed.

11. This is a joke.

We knew it was a joke from the start, Gabino!” Well, you probably wouldn’t be surprised at how many people read my columns and react with a sack of righteous rage, so this is just me covering all the bases. Everything I’ve said so far? Do the inverse. You’re a writer because something inside of you pushes you in that direction, or because you have something to say and writing is the best way to say it, or because voices in your head are constantly talking to each other and writing acts as an exorcism. Whatever the reason, you’re a writer, which is fantastic. Unfortunately, it does not make you unique, and almost no one notices. There are a million of you out there, so have fun, do whatever the fuck you want, break all the rules, support your fellow authors, be a decent literary citizen, and hustle as hard as you can. Much love to you all…unless you consider writing your “craft” or have ever referred to yourself as a “wordsmith” a million miles away from sarcasm.